Resident Evil: What didn't happen but should've
by Wight Mamba
Summary: A completely odd and hilarious collection of RE oneshots from any of the games that Vieraheart and I came up with. This is supposed to be kind of stupid, so no flames please. Reviews please. Rating might change if we feel like it.
1. The real reason Wesker has cat eyes

Resident Evil: Things that didn't happen but should've

**Another Vieraheart/Wight Mamba (and maybe even some from Krostko the Saiyaryl!) collaboration. We were playing Resident Evil 4 and during certain moments, said to each other: wouldn't it be funny if such n' such happened, and then we came up with a whole list of these things and decided to make a story about it. It's a series of oneshots that may or may not be related. May be very OOC, and meant to be humourous**

**Why Wesker Really Has Cat Eyes**

Ada walked into the house, holding a cat carrier and suitcases. She suddenly came face to face with about forty cats. Wesker was in the kitchen, eating cat food.

"When you asked me to move in, you never said anything about these cats." Ada said angrily. Wesker entered the room, still holding the can of cat food.

"What's wrong with my cats?"

"Xiao doesn't get along with other cats."

Ada let another cat out of the cat carrier. The cat started rubbing against Wesker.

"She likes me fine!" Wesker exclaimed

"You aren't a cat."

"I'm half-cat."

"You just have the eyes!" Ada was getting very annoyed. Especially since Xiao had chosen now to hiss at the other cats.

"Be nice. I have cat eyes for a reason!!"

Ada sighed. "You just messed with the T-virus." She stated.

"No. It's because my father was a cat! These cats are my no-good half-siblings who don't pay for anything."

"Really? How does that work?"

Wesker picked up a tomcat. "Why don't you find out? Whisker says he likes you!"

_What have I gotten myself into? _Ada asked herself.

"Hey don't blame your decisions on me!" Said Wesker "You want milk in your tea?"

"What was that?" Asked Ada

"Uhhh nothing…" Said Wesker


	2. Leon's First Day of Trainiing

Resident Evil 2

Resident Evil: Things that didn't happen but should've

**Leon's training before RE.2 **

"Okay trainees your training begins today you young men have chosen to join the R.P.D" said the chief

"Oh boy shooting bad guys and arresting people, and police brutality!" Leon exclaimed happily.

"No… more like shooting guns and eating donuts" Said the Chief

"Awwww man" Said Leon

"Your first training exercise is to eat a donut" said the chief

"That'll be easy" Said Leon picking up a gun and sticking it in his mouth

"Uh Leon that's not a donut that's a gun!" Shouted the chief

"No it isn't! I know the difference between a gun and a donut" Said Leon

"Troops, in case of a zombie attack (like that'll ever happen) use this shining example of stupid as bait to escape alive" Said the Chief

Bang bang!!

"Whoa that was close they must've put bullets in this gun" said Leon

"Leon here take this out fit and go into a museum and play cop." Said the chief

"Okay! See you in five years losers!" Leon yelled before taking a pistol and running outside like a moron

"Okay not that he's gonna to get the real training…ahhhhh zombies!" Screamed the chief


	3. A Scene from the Original RE

Resident Evil: Things that didn't happen but should've

Resident Evil: Things that didn't happen but should've

**Sorry for not having the disclaimer on the first chapter but here it is now: p**

**Resident Evil is owned by Capcom**

**A scene from the original resident evil (deleted scene)**

"Scene one take one and…Action!" I said.

"Okay so where are we going again?" Asked Chris.

"For the hundredth time Chris we are going to the circus!" Said Wesker.

"Darn it Albert read the script!" I Yelled.

"Oh, sorry can we cut that out?" Asked Wesker.

"Fine, Scene one take two and…Action!"

"Chris we are going to investigate this forest" Said Wesker.

"Wait where that chicken Brad is?" Asked Jill.

"See you in hell losers!" Yelled Brad before crashing the helicopter into a tree.

"Well, there goes my turn" Said Barry angrily.

"Nice puppies, good doggies… oh God, they're zombies!" Yelled Joseph "AHHHH!! HELP ME! AGGHGHHH!" Screamed Joseph as the Cerberi attacked him.

"That sounded like Joseph" Said Jill

"No it isn't you guys he's clearly got cancer and it's killing him." Explained Wesker.

"Uh, dude we can see him getting eaten!" Exclaimed Chris.

"Fine I'll turn around to prove to you that…Joseph's being eaten by wolves!" Screamed Wesker Running by the rest.

"What?" Asked everyone at once.

"Run for your lives, into to yes it is haunted probably likely mansion!" Shouted Wesker.

"Why? As you said it's haunted?" Said Chris.

"Never question my stupid actions… I mean logical." Yelled Wesker.

"Fine…Jerk." Said Barry.

"We're in the mansion now what?" Asked Jill.

"Why don't we split up that way we'll get killed faster?" Exclaimed Wesker happily.

Chris throws his hands up in the air. "Sounds good to me!" He yelled, racing off in a random direction.

"Uh…Did we give him a gun?" Asked Barry.

"No why?" Asked Jill.

"Never mind." Said Barry.

"Hey where's Joseph?" Asked Wesker.

Meanwhile outside…

"Hello…anyone…Still alive I could use some help here!" Said Joseph missing his arms and legs.

Back inside…

"Ah, probably doesn't matter." Said Wesker "Now I must be off, WESKER AWAY!"

"Nerd dropped his glasses." Said Jill.


	4. Trouble with Plagas

Resident Evil: What Didn't Happen but Should've

Resident Evil: What Didn't Happen but should've

**Related to the first story, because I felt like it. For this, let's just say Ada did give Wesker a real Los Plagas sample…**

The Trouble with Parasites

"I got your stupid sample, now what am I supposed to do with it?" Ada asked.

Wesker was petting one of his cats ala a James Bond villain. "Take it outside and cultivate it." He replied.

"What? Am I supposed to inject the parasites in plants?"

"What? Oh, the parasite. No. I wanted you to cultivate my catnip."

"Then what am I supposed to do with the Los Plagas I nearly got killed for?"

"Go inject it in some Chinese kids."

"I'M HALF CHINESE! THAT'S OFFENSIVE!!"

Wesker sighed. "Fine. Find some third world country, like Mexico, and let it loose in some kids. And then you can go on vacation."

"I like Mexico. Why don't you come with me?"

"Because you'll do something stupid like you always do, and I'll end up regretting it. Just like the time we went to infect Detroit and you went off for two days and came back with no money and about fifty new dresses?"

"LIKE _I_ ALWAYS DO?! What about the time you got lost in the mall while looking for the pet store so you could get that special cat food for Whisker and ended up spending all that money on cookies, and then what you suggested I do to get more money!"

"My one weakness…. Mrs. Redfield's cookies…"

"And then there's the fact that every time you cook you use milk, and you know I'm lactose intolerant!"

"The cats like milk."

"You only seem to care for those cats!"

"CATS! ATTACK HER!" Wesker yelled. Instead, the cats attack him.

"Your siblings don't seem to listen very well either." Ada said, trying hard not to laugh.

"I jut forgot their treats today…"


	5. The Ashfords

Resident Evil what didn't happen but should've

(Capcom owns all references to resident evil that we make in this story)

**This is what life would be like if the Ashfords had a sitcom (disturbing I know)**

"It's everyone's favorite twisted twins…the Ashfords" Said the announcer as cruddy third rate sitcom music played "Starring Alfred and Alexia, with guest Appearance by Albert Wesker.

"Hello Alexia, I'm back from my business trip!" Said Alfred in a Hawaiian shirt holding a coconut as a drink container.

"Oh what souvenir did you bring this time?" Asked Alexia.

"What else but the skull of the first person who ticked me off!" Reply Alfred handing Alexia the Skull.

"Wow you actually shot this one!" Said Alexia examining the skull.

"I have wonderful aim!" Shouted Alfred in anger.

"That's what he said." Laughed Alexia.

"HEY I'M NOT GAY I'M METRO!!" Screamed Alfred.

(The sound of someone knocking at the door)

"I'll answer it." Said Alfred as the door smashed him into the door and closed behind him.

"Alexia, your body contains the last sample of the Veronica T-virus give it to me!" Demanded Wesker.

"Hell no for the hundredth time, don't you ever drop by just to say hello?" Asked Alexia.

"Your coming with me whether you like it or not!" Said Wesker in reply.

"…Whatever loser." She said as she rolled hers eyes transformed and threw fire at him, "Hey you made me burn my favorite curtains!" Shouted Alexia

Wesker leaped through the air as Alexia threw another fire ball as Chris rolled out of the way.

"Chris?" Asked Wesker.

"Mr. Kitty?" Inquired Chris.

"Chris Redfield, the restraining order says stay 100 feet away at all times!" Shouted Alexia.

"Chris you were my best man, I leave this to you!" Said Wesker.

"Ah crap!" Said Chris as Alexia walked toward him beating her fist into her hand.

Wesker popped his head back in "By the way, bye Alfie and Lexi!'" Said Wesker.

(Cruddy sitcom music starts playing as screen fades out)


	6. Luis and Saddler

Resident Evil: What didn't happen but should've

Resident Evil: What didn't happen but should've.

**Vieraheart: My little brother Krostko the Saiyaryl wrote this and used the cat idea, so don't blame me if it's overused. I'm not using it anymore.**

Luis and Saddler: BFF

"Sadler, how many times to I have to tell you, no reflecting my bullets!" yelled Luis.

"Sorry Luis, it's just that what… what if one of the bullets kills me?" whispered Sadler like a stupid baby.

"Oh god man, they're paintballs bullets, they'll only cover you in paint, watch," said Luis firing a paintball at himself. "See, completely painless."

"Wow!" yelled Sadler in excitement.

Suddenly, Sadler's arm transformed and impaled Luis.

"Dang it Sadler, that's the ninety-fifth time this week!" said Luis.

"Sorry Luis, it's a force of habit when I'm killing Zombies," explained Sadler.

"I pay the rent, you pay for the operation!!" screamed Luis.

"Okay Luis," said Sadler.

Suddenly, gunshots came blasting through the window rapidly.

Sadler looks outside and see's none other than Albert Wesker somehow wielding in one hand, a Chicago Typewriter, and in the other, his cat Whisker in a cat carrier, who's also wielding a typewriter somehow. (A Typewriter is in the cat carrier with Whisker, apparently typing down everything Wesker does, at least)

"Sorry Sadler, Ada kicked me out of the house for telling her to clean out my litter box, and I "Found" (Used a Flash Grenade on Leon) this Typewriter lying around in the woods," said Wesker.

"What woods?" yelled Luis now looking out the window.

"Fine, bought it from the merchant," said Wesker still lying.

"How much was it?" asked Sadler.

"Well it was… oh, look at the time, got to go guys!" yelled Wesker running away.

"Idiot," said Sadler and Luis at the same time.


	7. Amusing Mercenary Moments

Resident Evil, what didn't happen…but should've

Resident Evil, what didn't happen…but should've

**Mercenaries my view on it**

**First up is Leon (this is what happened to me last time I was playing mister Kennedy the dialogue is just there to be funny, Salvador never hit me yet my head somehow decided to detach anyway)**

"Oh god it's a mega-Salvador I'm gonna die!!" Screamed Leon as the Chainsaw wielding man ran at him

"You can stay but I'm leaving!" Said Leon from the neck up as it spontaneously detached from the rest of him resulting in the always annoying you are dead sequence

**Next up is Ada Wong who for gods sake I can't get more the 2 stars with her with the exception of when I unlocked Wesker**

Firing TMP "Die you ugly sons of bit…Ow I broke a nail!" She said right before her head was eaten

"Ah how I love Chinese food" Said the Las plaga as it chewed on Ada

**Then there's HUNK who is a decent character…unless he's out of ammo**

"HAAHAHAHA" Laughed HUNK as he ran around shooting everything with his TMP

And snapping the neck then the Garrador came

"RRREEEAAAARRGGHHH!!" Screamed the rushing mutant

"Puh-lease you are simple by the way could you sew my head back to my body so I can snap your neck?" Asked HUNK's head

**And then there's Krauser who I hate yet incidentally do the best with**

"F you, and F you too, you can die, let's not forget you, stop in the name of Sergeant Hatred, oh great join the party."

Gets hit by axe.

"Okay that's it now I'm bored!" He shouts as he transforms his arm and blows a hole through 8 people including two chainsaw women.

**And now my personal and probably everyone else's personal favorite guy, that's right Wesker!**

Wham "Thrust punch!" Shouted Wesker cheerfully.

'Agghhhhh the cool guy with the sun glasses got me with his super cool melee attack not even Salvador could stop him" complained the Ganado as he pointed at the Mega-Salvador with magnum holes in it

"You can't stop the Wesker or you'll be stricken to the ground!" Proclaimed Wesker


	8. Final Boss from RE2

Resident Evil: what should've happen but didn't

Resident Evil: what should've happen but didn't

**This chapter takes place during the final boss fight for Leon in RE.2**

"Good god die you ugly giant booger monster!" Shouted Leon unloading several round into Birkin but to no effect "…What's this atrocity made of, Orichalcum?"

"Leon keep trying Leon I'm a little busy as well!" shouted Claire who was having here own problems balancing on a moving train.

"What button do I press the blue one or the green one!?" Said Sherry who was as useless as Ashley but she is in no way important now.

"Okay shotgun is out!" Said Leon as he tossed it out the window, "Let's try the hand gun!" He shouted as he pulled out the handgun which is practically Matilda.

"Reeeeaaarrrggghhhhh" Roared the monster formally Known as Birkin.

"Come get some ugly!" Said Leon as he aimed to kill.

Click-Click-Click

"What the heck, it's not loaded!" Screamed Leon.

"That'll learn him to take my first aid spray." Said Claire still making here way to the front.

"Oh man that packman button didn't help let's try the beer shaped button!" Said Sherry still fumbling with the train's controls and when she pressed the button a can beer came out.

Leon tossed his handgun out the window and proceeded to use his magnum on Birkin.

"Die bang Die! bang DIE! bang" Shouted Leon every time he fired.

"Must make it to sherry!" Said Claire when she started to crawl across the train.

"Woohoo, there goes a hundred more zombies" Shouted Sherry happily as the train plowed trough the zombies.

"Come on now this is out of ammo!" Leon complained as he tossed it out the window and ran into the next car of the train.

"What are you doing Leon? You're wasting time!" said Claire as she tuned her violin.

"Now to deploy the weapon I got from Leon six years from now!" Said Leon as he pulled out the Chicago typewriter and pulled the trigger but when he pulled the trigger a flag came out and it had the words RE.2 Leon sucks go RE.4 Leon and at that point he tossed it out the window "Now what I all got is this darn knife that can't even kill a zombie, I'm so screwed!" Leon shouted as he tossed the knife which bounced of Birkin and some how stopped Birkin dead in his tracks.

"Reaeaegghhh" squealed Birkin as he died.

"…How did that even work the writer must be screwy" Said Leon.

"You know what I could have him spring back to life!" I shouted at Leon.

Claire eventually made her way to sherry and told her how to stop the train and it exploded Birkin died and hooray for them…for now


	9. Misuse of Items

Resident Evil: What didn't happen but should've

Resident Evil: What didn't happen but should've

**The retards guide to the misuse of the many items from resident evil games**

**First up are the Herbs:**

In the Resident evil game there are herbs aside from the first-aid spray that have medicinal uses. There are three types as follows: Green, Red, and Yellow/Blue (Depending on what game you're playing) Now a smart person like say for example Wesker would mix them together to get extra hit points, whereas an idiot like Chris would take the green herb, cut it up, roll it up and smoke it like a joint now for an Example here they are Chris and Wesker

This is what Wesker would do:

"Ha-ha I have all three herbs now I can increase my health bar!"

And then there's Chris...

"Whoa dude where am I? Whoa, like I'm flying thru the air!"

Warning the herbs are only for the use of healing your self don't smoke them no matter how funny that sounds!

**First Aid spray**

Yes thank god for this stuff, most of the time it will make the difference between life and a grisly yet youtube worthy death. First Aid spray is your over the counter instantaneous full healing item, always have at least one in you inventory, I can stress this enough people! Now for every item it has a misuse and here are the examples

The proper use for first aid spray: Claire

"Damn I in trouble luckily I brought my first aid spray…Hey where is it?"

The misuse of it: Leon

"Oh you guys smell bad, luckily I have a that air freshener I stole from Claire when she had her back turned."

Side effects my include but not limited to: Prolonged life, mending wounds, full health, and constipation please consult a doctor to see if First aid spay is right for you

**Grenades**

…Don't use them on yourself stupid!

Leon pulls grenade out and throws the pin

Death as a result of this is not your problem

**Eggs**

Is there a misuse to these…Oh wait that's right when, the snakes hatch from the eggs, anyone want a pet fifty foot snake?

**T-virus**

I has already been misused it turned raccoon city into zombie town U.S.A so that's it misuse!

**Inspiration**

This chapter is a misuse of inspiration I'm writing one more thing after this

**Gems (and other worthless garbage)**

Believe it or not, there are misuses for these

Misuse number 1: Getting between them and Ada (Diamonds are a girl's best friend)

Misuse number 2: Trying to eat them that means you Leon

Misuse number 3: Trading the for something worthless like a missile launcher

Misuse number 4: Leon I told you it's not candy!

And misuse number 5: Not selling them


	10. Wesker Kills Okami

Resident Evil: what didn't happen but should've

Resident Evil: what didn't happen but should've

**(Okami and Resident Evil re both property of Capcom and not the deranged lunatic that is righting this disclaimer)**

**If Wesker got the celestial paint brush (Some credit of this idea goes to my friend PikPixie03)**

"Now where is that lab?" said Wesker to himself as he walked around holding the official Resident Evil Strategy guide then dropped the strategy guide when he ran into a certain white fluffy wolf!

"Arf, Arf!" Barked Amaterasu

"Oh god a zombie wolf!" Shouted as he shot Amaterasu's brains out of her head with his handgun "Well that's another zombie I won't have to worry about" He said Wesker as he holstered his gun and noticed a little bouncing light

"Holy heck, what did you do to the great god Amaterasu?" Said Issun as he started screaming at Wesker who at this time had no idea what the hell was going on "Well do you have anything to say sunglasses?" Asked Issun

"…Eat flaming death stupid talking bug!" Yelled Wesker as he took out a rocket launcher, totally annihilating Issun "Huh what's this…A paint brush?" as he picked up the celestial paint brush and stored it in his inventory "Guess I can toss these flame round" as Wesker put the flame rounds in the fireplace. He then walked out of the guard house. He looked up at the sky and noticed a constellation and suddenly he ended up in the celestial plain.

"Oh great god Amaterasu mother to us all" Said Tachigami

Wesker stood there speechless

"So long have I waited for your return now I Tachigami, as a show of gratitude will grant you the ability of power slash, all you have to do is draw a straight line across an object and it will cut in two!" After that long speech Wesker obtained the ability of power slash

"What in Hell's name was that?" Said Wesker still completely confused at the whole series of events, decide to figure this out by going back into the guard house where he ran into Jill.

"Captain Wesker, I'm glad to see you're still alive!" Said Jill as she saw Wesker.

Wesker on the other hand took out the celestial paint brush drew a line across Jill which caused her to get cut in half.

"See you in hell Jill or Resident Evil 3 which ever comes first!" Said Wesker as he watched Jill fall in two with X's for eyes.


	11. What They Didn't Say

Resident Evil: What didn't happen…But should've

**Resident Evil: What didn't happen…But should've**

**Quotes over characters that you were never meant to see**

Leon:

"You and all your friends are under arrest for attempted murder!"

"Hey I'm flattered but I don't swing in that direction!"

"G-virus? What's the G stand for?"

"You have the right to remain dead!"

"Oh my god, are you Will Smith!?"

"Yippee, I saved Ashley…oh dear God please kill me now!"

"Ashley please wait here for oh say…two hours."

"Indiana Jones theme and giant rock…great…"

"How many times must I shot you?"

"Definitely a zombie…Right?"

"I better get paid extra from protecting the stupid blond bitch."

"Ada, I love you, let's run off into the sunset!"

Barry from RE.1:

"You were almost a Jill sandwich…and I could sure go for one right now!"

"How dare you threaten my family, that's my job!"

Steve from CV:

"My voice messed up half way through puberty."

"I look older than I am."

"Don't trust others, trust me on this."

"No fair you cheated me, that's what I wanted!"

Alfred from CV

"Wait, did you say backwater or blackwater?"

"Behold my horrible voice!"

"Stupid Alexia…WHY CAN'T I BE YOU?!"

"I'm not paranoid, how dare you call me paranoid, I will shoot you for calling me paranoid!"

"Oh no, I forgot to change my voice back!!"

"Wearing dresses makes me feel pretty!"

Wesker:

"Worship my obvious superiority!"

"My name is not Whisker!"

"Do I smell…catnip?"

"Ada, what are you doing working at Pizza Hut?"

"Go, my cute little surveillance thing!"

"Hunt'er, I hardly knew 'er."

"Go forth my pretties Kill, KILL!"

"Let's split up. That way, if you guys die, that will give me enough time to get out alive."

"Don't open that…on second thought go ahead."

Ark from RE.Survivor:

"If it's an FPS with the RE label on it, it can only mean one thing…Failure."

"Man why can't I remember my own last name?"

"…Dude I need another game, NOT FPS PLEASE!"

Jill:

"Forgot my hate in raccoon city!"

"Chris, when I catch you I bet it'll be a shotgun wedding!"

"Oh well, Barry will save me from this snake!"

"Whoa…big zombie with smoker's gums!"

"Oh poor chicken Brad, let me shed a tear…not."

"I get the darn serum and Richard dies!"

Chris:

"All I want is bang, bang, bang!"

"Oh God, I dropped the hip piece".

"Why do I keep getting Leon's E-mails?"

"Wow that is one big gun!"

"I call Shotgun!"

"Must…run…from…Jill."

"Wesker clean up your own mess for once!"

"Oh my god…Are you Morgan Freeman!?"

"Hey Leon's got a hot picture of a girl and…oh God it's Claire!"

Claire:

"I hope Leon likes this picture!"

"Forget Leon, I got Steve now!"

"Darn it Sherry get back here!"

"Bet Leon never had to deal with a blond bimbo."

"What the heck is with all the zombies?!"

"The Ashford… eerrrrr… one hell I never want to deal with again!"

Luis from RE.4

"Hey, hey senorita is it hot out here or is that just me?"

"_Si_, we all know what part of Saddler keeled me with, we don't need to emphasis that!"

"Life's a beech."

"One game, that's bullsheet!"

Carlos from RE.3

"I'm GI Jose a reel Mexican he-row."

"I'm a real Spaniard don't let the fact that I lose my accent half way through the game fool you."

Alexia from CV

(Most omitted because of certain reasons)

"My fire is not magic, and I don't do parties."

"Behold the power of the Ashford family!"

"Alfred, where are my clothes!?"

"I need restraining orders..."

Krauser from RE.4

"I died in what crash two years ago?"

"Behold the power of Las Plagas…Ow my arm!"

"After all I'm from Russia not America, comrade."

"Pfft Ashley, I needed her like, oh say 12 hours ago."

"Well if it isn't the bitch in the 'Pink' dress."

"Wait what do you mean knife beats Krauser?"

"Stop calling me Sergeant Hatred!!"

Ada:

"Uh…what scars?"

"This dress isn't red, IT'S PINK!"

"Lucky for you emo boy this gun isn't loaded… shouldn't have said that."

"Orphans… Incapable of caring..."

"Well duh it's true I work for Wesker, the sunglasses!"

Billy from RE zero

"You know me once jail bait, always jail bait."

"Rebecca free me and I'll grant you three wishes."

Rebecca:

"Edward no…I wanted to eat that guy!"

"Wow Chris thanks now let me give you a big kiss"

"Billy, you better stop the comments before I amputate some of yours you'd rather keep!"

"It's a fact I'm a quack!"

And now I'm out of Ideas I'll make more some other times (Yes, I know it's sort of a list didn't know how to write any other way .)


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